NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 13: More things about forgiveness....

Last night, I put up a post about forgiveness. Despite the late hour, messages pinged back and forth on WhatsApp; later, there were some comments on the blog itself, and on Facebook too. I will try to address most of these today. 

But before I do that, let me just say how thankful I am for these comments – it shows that people care about what I write and they think about it, and feel moved enough to share their thoughts/experiences/feelings.

First off was an old student, saying, “It's too difficult to do Ma’am. The persons who hurt me will continue to be happy; only I will continue to be unhappy. What’s the use of forgiving them, Ma’am?”

Valid point. One that strikes us all when we start on that particular journey. The answer I gave my student – we need to do it because we’re actually doing it for ourselves, not for the person who has hurt us. The more you hold on to hatred, anger and other negative thoughts, the more you burden yourself with things that will burn you up inside. Should you give another person in the world – that too someone who hurt you – so much importance, that, because of them, you lose your peace of mind?? Worth thinking about….

Second – A friend of a friend sent a similar query. What must one do when despite us trying to be forgiving, the other party does not show any regret or repentance but acts as though he/she is right? Isn’t this how an ego problem arises?

That’s right. Just because you are being forgiving, it need not evoke a sense of guilt in the other party. In fact, if you forgive because you expect such a response in return, it cannot perhaps be real forgiving – it’s more of a calculated move in a battle of minds….and such battles can go on endlessly, without any end in sight….

On a deeper note, though, one must again consider WHY he or she is being forgiving. Again, I repeat, if you choose to forgive, do understand that it is for YOUR OWN BENEFIT. Forgiveness is not a tool to control other people; it is a tool for bettering oneself.

Third – A friend wrote on Facebook: I would say only forgive because what’s the point if you don’t remember why you have forgiven.I think forgiveness should come from acceptance not ignorance.

She’s right too. Forgiveness should IDEALLY come from acceptance not ignorance. But there are two points here:

One – not all of us are at the stage where we can right away accept and forgive. But why suffer until we reach that stage? Start by trying to ignore (forget)…after some time, your abilities to accept will increase. Also, as my sister Maithili V. also pointed out on Facebook in a subsequent comment, it’s important to ignore the situation but not the person….a delicate balancing act….

Two – remembering why you have forgiven is a double-edged sword. It’s useful because as I wrote yesterday, you must remember so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes again and again. But it can be dangerous if you keep reminding yourself that you have been so great to forgive someone – because it can tend to increase your ego….which is exactly what another friend pointed out as below…

Fourth – a friend wrote on the blog: I have been following this for years now....and it works... It's not the absolute behaviour that causes the hurt in the first place, but our response to it that coils up like a servant within and unleashes the negativity....Let go..breathe..,.what I'm a trifle uncomfortable with the technique you have shared is that it focuses on the I...I forgive you..I think the aham (sanskrit for I and ego both...perhaps for a reason) is the root cause of all the sufferings... The moment you acknowledge that it isn't about the I but a larger eco system and the positivity and well being thereof, you've crossed that barrier.. Also, by attributing to others the underlying cause of a negative situation, in that, it was They who hurt you, you are externalising the problem and that's where I love the part about remembering what was it about Us that drove them to that acrid behaviour..

Again – perfectly pointed out. It is indeed our response to certain behaviours that cause us hurt. As to the technique of saying “I forgive you,” while there is a real danger of the ego this guy pointed out, it’s important to remember that when we’re just starting out on this journey of being forgiving, that’s a risk worth taking because let me first get rid of the negativity of holding grudges; then I will tackle the negativity of ego that arises from the thought of 'I am forgiving.' Also, there’s a way to avoid that ego: focus on the word 'forgive' instead of on ‘I’ or ‘You.’ In short, the journey from being someone who can’t let go to realizing it’s a part of a larger ecosystem is a huge one for many of us – it has to be crossed in small steps that are within one’s capability.

Regarding the second part – about not externalizing the problem but looking at what we did to drive them to such acrid behaviour….I’m definitely all for first introspecting into one’s own contributions and trying to reduce those. 

But as all of us will testify from personal experience, there are quite a few boorish people in the world who, for no fault of ours, will hurt us. In such cases, no amount of soul searching will help and in fact, it may lead to an unhealthy guilt that becomes the root of maladaptive behaviour. In such cases, externalizing the problem, laying the blame where it is due, is essential. Yet, at the same time, it need not become the albatross around our neck – to such people, saying “I forgive you” with the sense of acceptance, may be the only solution left to us……

…which is exactly what another friend pointed out …she wrote “The irony is that certain things that are meant to be, will be, and it just doesn't matter if we forgive or not in the first place.. we just need to get used to it.” THIS is unconditional acceptance…the stage that’s pretty far down the forgiveness lane…

Sixth – a friend wrote to say she can neither forget nor forgive certain persons responsible for some major negative events and that she prefers to keep them at one arm distance….

That’s ok. We all have our own threshold level for how much pain we can carry – once we cross that, we’ll start feeling the pointlessness of it all – that will be when one will be ready to embark on this particular journey.

The one thing here that I wanted to clarify. Keeping people who hurt us at one arm distance may be an actually good policy – because we don’t really know what are the limits of our own ability to forget or forgive. If you remember the post about letting go, the reader who wrote about the property dispute etc said that finding other avenues to grow themselves helped them stay away from heartache.

Finally, here are two messages that I got which reaffirmed my faith ….

First, a friend shared her experience:

"I was carrying a lot of anger towards my uncle. Due to some family dispute and property issues, we were not on talking terms despite living right next door. When he was nearing his end, I told myself that I HAVE to forgive him, and met him. I saw a strange expression in his eyes which I had never seen. When he died I prayed for his soul and thanked him for teaching me this lesson. After this incident, the way I felt, I can't express in words. So from then on, I am applying this where ever necessary. But mind you, we do get stuck up sometimes and I am still working on it. I just remembered this when I read your article."

I’d like to note here – when she says “I HAVE to forgive him” it’s not as if she is a God who’s going to forgive the other person for his wrongdoing. It’s rather the spirit of saying, “I must let go of my anger towards him.”

Second message made me marvel yet again at how beautifully the Universe puts things together, letting one person’s words be an instrument to heal another person…

A relative of mine wrote within minutes of posting the blog:

"I was badly hurt by a person. I could only cry. When I read those last lines, I seriously stopped crying and I didn't know a blog post can do this much to a person...Now, my mood has levelled up. I am calm and composed and I really feel far better now after reading this."

What more could a writer ask for ????

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 12: Forget so that you may Forgive

About two years ago, a little while after I got on WhatsApp, a person I knew long ago, got in touch with me. Let’s call him P. After exchanging the usual pleasantries, he suddenly sent a message that made no sense to me. It said, “You have helped me lot wholeheartedly in my bad times. I’m really sorry for my misbehaviour . I really behaved like mad person with you at the end.”

For a while, I was stunned. Because I couldn’t figure out what P was talking about. I racked my memory, but no answer was forthcoming. But it seemed like a sincere apology, so I decided to not make P feel insulted by saying I didn’t remember. Instead, I told him, “Please don't feel bad for those things now...everyone makes mistakes sometimes...the past is over and i have forgotten all about it...” That last bit was true in every sense – I had literally no memory of the event.

Later, I forced my brain to cough up some faint remembrance. But when things were still hazy, I asked a good friend who has an elephantine memory, if she remembered anything about this. Pat came the entire story along with her shock – how could I ever have forgotten this?

From my point of view, though, I think this is one of my biggest blessings. The ability to forget things that don’t matter. Probably, without my conscious efforts, my brain has evolved a strategy to let go of things that are not important when compared with what it has mapped out as significant goals for my life.

And being able to forget has helped me become more forgiving.

I know, I know…we hear people say things like forgive, but don’t ever forget. I think this is impossible. In the sense that if you can’t forget what ill was caused to you, it will be impossible for you to get to a stage of forgiving that person. But when you train the mind to forget wrongdoings targeted at you in the past, you can no longer hold on to grudges that you have no memory of.

Of course, I agree with those who say forgive but don’t ever forget in the sense of “Don’t forget what you did wrong to elicit a particular behaviour from the other party.” This is vital because you don’t want to go around repeating the same mistakes.

When I try to tell people about the need to forget and forgive, I sometimes get a curious response. They assume I’m telling this theoretically because I’ve never experienced what it is like to be at the receiving end of atrocious behaviour. 

Nothing can be farther from the truth. I too have faced such behaviour, but they probably don’t know about it because I’ve not made it a practice to go around spreading such narratives. For two reasons.

One – the more I talk about negative things, the deeper those get embedded into my mind, and the more difficult it becomes to forget and forgive.

Two – who knows, maybe at some time in the future, the concerned person will change his or her behaviour for the better. Why should I badmouth him or her now and spoil other peoples’ opinions of that person? Why create prejudice that can hamper another person’s opportunity to change?

For me, nothing sums up the whole emotion behind learning to forgive better than this snippet my student Arfa sent. Take a look at it…If a 23-year old can have the maturity for this thought process, why can’t all of us much older people give it a try?


Do what Arfa suggests, right now – think of one person who you think has hurt you the most. Imagine that person standing in front of you and say in your mind to that image, wholeheartedly, with no ifs and buts, “I forgive you from the bottom of my heart for having hurt me.”

Do this a few times every day for at least a fortnight, and you will be surprised at the results you see! You can thank me later 😊

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 11: Secrets to a Happy Life

This Wednesday, I was at a meeting of a local Mahila Samaj where Veena (I hope you remember her from this post) had invited me to speak. I hadn’t given the talk any title as such when I spoke to them, but in my mind, it was “Secrets to a Happy Life.”

During the talk, I covered several areas such as:

• The need for physical fitness and regularity in practicing it 

• Tips on achieving mental calm

• Dealing with recalcitrant (meaning: obstinate, difficult to manage) husbands

• The need to live a dhaarmik way of life

• Bringing up kids with basics of Bharatiya culture

Most of the audience comprised women in their 40s and 50s. Women who had college-going kids or married sons and daughters-in-law.

One major point some of the ladies emphasized during the question-and-answer session was this:

When an argument begins, and I think, “Ok, what’s the point of arguing now? Let me keep quiet for a while. Maybe we can talk about it later,” and thus, avoid reacting, it sends across a message that I’m at fault and so, I’m keeping quiet. This gives the other person an upper hand, and he gloats over the fact that he’s succeeded in suppressing me.

I wasn’t really surprised by this observation. It’s true – since ages, it’s been believed that the person who’s in the right will have the moral courage to keep speaking; the guilty one is the one who will give in.

Of course in today’s times, most of our disagreements have run counter to this logic. An Arnab Goswamiesque free for all is what rules not just on television channels but also in our homes. No wonder then that these ladies are reluctant to give up one of the few tools they say they possess to draw attention to their discontent with something.

While helping them reason through this conundrum, I asked them to focus for a minute on few things:

First, what is the purpose of your life? Is it only to exert control over another person or to prove that you are right – which, for that matter, even winning an argument may not prove? Or is there a higher goal we must seek to achieve with this human birth?

Second, how important is this matter – over which you’re now squabbling like a matter of life and death – going to be a few days, a few months, a few years from now? In the whole scheme of things in your life, how significant is this issue? And, to make it even more vivid, I asked them – Many years from now, when you are lying on your death bed, ready to leave this world, will this issue be something that you’ll remember and cherish as an achievement?

Quite a sobering thought, their faces said in response.

Indeed it is, and it makes a sea of difference to our attitudes if we learn to occasionally pause in the middle of whatever we are doing, a few times during the day, and ask ourselves – how important is this action/thought in the scheme of my life. The answer will be your guideline to live a more fulfilling life and gradually lift yourself up from petty, energy-draining pursuits.

Later in the day, when I mentioned about this talk and it’s title, someone quipped, “Ok, so it’s proven that Anu is happy!” And I replied, “Of course.” Because in that moment, I realized that through long practice, I’ve learned how to stay away from being unhappy – most of the time. No doubt there are of course instances of minor irritations, but I don’t let them disturb me for too long because each time they strike, I ask myself those questions I presented to the ladies in the Mahila Samaj.

On the topic of dealing with recalcitrant husbands, there was a vociferous discussion, but that’s matter enough to make for another post, some day in the future 😈😈

Receiving a fruit basket in gratitude.
The smiling person on my extreme left is Veena. 

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 10: Cutting Down the Coffee

“We’re bringing 2 coffees; so much of it gets left over and has to be poured away. Shall we try bringing 1 coffee from tomorrow? Then, if that itself is sufficient, we can get only 1 from now onward.” 

Two of my colleagues and I have a coffee arrangement – every morning, around 10 am, we get coffee delivered from a nearby shop. The above dialogue is regarding that. If I had to ask you to guess who may be mouthing it, you’ll probably think it’s one of the coffee consumers.


Happy to disappoint you – it’s one of the lady staffs (let’s call her G) who is responsible for cleaning the college office, staffrooms and a few laboratories. Getting coffee for the office staff and us, is also one of her responsibilities.

This suggestion to reduce wastage and by implication, also cut costs, came from this woman who is herself from an economically weaker section of society. Over the years, having observed several persons from this section, I’ve seen that many of them tend to look for some personal benefit in cash or in kind whenever they get a chance.

G, obviously, is from a different mould.

If there’s excess coffee after the 3 of us have partaken of it, we generally ask the one bringing it, to have the rest of it. Until G took over the work, there would be just a little left over. Ever since she took charge of it, there’s more left over. And this is what triggered that suggestion from her. In her innocent voice and tone, G put forth this idea, even prefacing it with the humble request that the “Madams” should not feel bad that she is giving some opinion.

G is relatively new to the college. Which is why she's still wary of not stepping on toes. She doesn't yet know that these 3 “Madams” are also cut of a different cloth and don’t believe in throwing their (sizeable) weight around or snubbing those lower in the office hierarchy. So, there was no offense taken, and indeed, there was appreciation – as is evident from the fact that although she is unaware of its implication, G has featured on this blog.

Anyone else in G’s place would have been likely to not say a word in this situation. They would have either consumed the extra coffee themselves or distributed it to someone else and used that to curry favour with those persons at some later time. If you’re surprised reading this last bit, it’s probably because you’re not aware of the power hierarchies that thrive among support staff.

To quote another example, when G, on rare occasions, brings a parcel of food for one of the “Madams” from the canteen, they may, out of goodwill, tell her to keep the change that is left over. To her credit, G firmly refuses to take it – despite the fact that it would definitely be of some help to someone in her circumstances. If the “Madams” insist, she tells them, “I don’t want it, Madam. If at all sometime I have the need, I myself will ask you for it.”

In a world where even people much more comfortably placed look for petty personal benefits in whatever jobs they do, people like G are fast becoming a rarity. Which is all the more reason to appreciate and encourage them by not belittling but appreciating their efforts.

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 9: Beating the Demon with Lord's Grace

On the 10th of May, 2014, I got a phone call from my husband’s aunt Geetha in Bangalore. One of her sisters (called Bhanu, who lives in Coimbatore) had undergone some diagnostic tests, and they wanted to know what the results implied. I’m no doctor, but two of my sisters are – so, sometimes, I receive these enquiries to get their opinion. 

What unraveled later, is nothing short of a miraculous journey. Which is why I asked Bhanu’s son Dheepak if they were agreeable to me writing about this on my blog. They readily agreed, and Dheepak sent me, what he called, “some stuff” that he said, “contains lots of distractors” and gave me “full authority to edit.”


After I read what he’d written, I realized there was no point in me writing about this.

For the simple reason that he’d written it himself with an emotion and grace that I could never hope to capture through my words.

Here, I present to you, dear readers, an amazing real-life experience penned by Dheepak Narasimhan…..

One CAN CERTAINLY win against any odds. I had just heard of this through some inspiring stories, but it was since the summer of 2014 that I started witnessing it live.

A happy last year's LTC before Appa’s retirement; to Kashmir! Still, my parents were quite disappointed as I wasn't able to make it. I had just joined work and was helpless with no leave. Perhaps their coldest experience ever, the trip went on well and they returned home safe.

Appa thought he would have a peaceful retirement and wondered what he might do post-retirement. God has plans for everything and everyone! 😐

Amma started feeling some difficulties in swallowing after the trip. We started assuming various medical conditions (from whatever we knew) but not that demon! We even used to scold her for fasting until noon and tell her "Perumal saaptu pooja panna onnum kochikamaatar”(God won't be angry if you ain't on an empty stomach for poojas). But she never listened.

And it worsened after she was back from her chithy's (Saro paati's) funeral at Bangalore (still a colder place for us who are more used to Chennai). We thought it was the weather thing - but who knew that she is going to battle a demon?!

March, 2014: They went to a hospital for a full body check up organized for Women's Day. Results were normal, no deviations. So, she happily continued taking family doctor’s medication.

April, 2014: Family doctor's meds didn't work well after few days. Now, she was not able to swallow anything solid. It steadily worsened week by week; tensions shot up at home, but I, her son, was given the bare minimum information as I was away from home, and should not feel bad. They went to a bigger hospital for further tests. Doctors found something odd in X-rays, but couldn't figure it out exactly, further tests were advised and samples were taken for biopsy.

May, 2014: Me awaiting an extra special birth month. First week was my graduation and second was a close cousin aka best friend's wedding. I was happy until I came to know that parents will directly be coming for the wedding and not my graduation! I mean- though I was not much into studies, and just got through with backlogs and stuff, I know how much this degree meant to them. They knew I did this just for them! When Appa said that they won't be able to make it, that's when I sensed something was terribly wrong.

I met them on 7th of May or so. At that time, Amma was just able to drink filtered fluids, not even liquids as viscous as a porridge. Every time she swallowed the liquids, she struggled and it used to sound weird. Still she was so positive and hopeful and kept saying that few doses of kadukkai would dissipate the tumour. And we were just praying for the biopsy results to be normal. NO DESPAIR, whatsoever….


May 10th and 11th - Epitome of ambivalence!


Cousin's wedding. I had dreamt of it for days, but just after maapillai (bridegroom)arrived from his native to Chennai mandapam, we got the scan reports from Harish, my maternal cousin from Coimbatore. And the Pathology report confirmed LARYNGEAL GROWTH of A MALIGNANT TUMOUR !!!

It was just Harish, Dasarathy, Appa and me who knew about the results. Amma did not. Neither did anyone in else the marriage hall. 

A surprise video recorded by my friends at my cousin's marriage. 

It remains a happy reminder of Amma's voice !!

To everyone's surprise, Appa, Dasa and myself were not our usual selves and everyone was enquiring if I'm sick or so. What could we tell them!? Perplexed, we tried to forget this for a day until we met the doctor.


May 12th: Adyar Cancer Institute, Chennai


Further tests to affirm and diagnose. After few days doctors came with a solution of performing a surgery called "Laryngopharyngoesphagectomy". The longest word I've heard in my life.

Since the tumour was on the voice-box and big enough to have touched the larynx(voice box), pharynx and oesophagus (food pipe), doctor suggested to remove all these! Despite mentioning that she would definitely lose her voice after this, Amma was unshaken and agreed for the operation with no second thoughts. She was so firm in her decision when a choice of voice or life was given. NO DESPAIR even then. Perumal is what she believed in at every point of time.


May 30: Operation went on from 11AM until 7:30 PM. I was stunned to see such doctors under Dr. Aravind Krishnamurthy, the surgical oncologist who were so humble, so talented and who work relentlessly to save a life. They never came out of operation theater for the mentioned tenure, not sure if another surgery was in progress, but a big salute to them.

Now Amma had her larynx(voice box), pharynx and oesophagus removed. She lost her voice, she wouldn't be able to speak. Her neck had a tracheostoma through which she would breathe and not through nose as we normally do. I would have definitely lost hope in life if I were in such a situation, but not my Amma. She just kept pitying the other kids there undergoing treatments for leukemia and bone cancer and never her own self.

After her operation she was in ICCU for 2 days and then shifted to ICU. When they started feeding through the mouth, the food was literally leaking from the stitches in her throat. Doctors fixed that in a couple of days and she was normal. We could just see her twice daily. She was shifted to a ward around June 15th.

One of my close friends was getting married, and I was in a fix whether to go or not. Amma wrote her wishes for my friend in a piece of paper and that's when I decided to go and attend. Her courage made me go seamless since then.

Radiation Perplex

After her discharge, doctors suggested radiation to reduce the chance of recurrence. 30 excruciating sittings of IMRT, if done the percentage of recurrence would be 5 to 8% and if she didn’t undergo radiation, the recurrence risk would be 9 to 12%. As a layman we may not know what radiation does to a cancer patient.

Everyone of us asked her to undergo radiation, so that the demon could never come back again. But Amma had different ideas. She was well aware of the pain few of her cousins underwent as a result of radiation and she flatly refused.

On our further visits, assistant doctors kind of forced radiation citing it is an international code to do so blah blah blah. But I must mention here that the chief doctor Dr. Alexander was so cool about it and he totally gave the choice to Amma. He even intonated the recurrence percentages in such a way that it seemed like it wasn’t a big deal refusing it. Such good hearts including Dr. Shanta are the reason the world is looking at Adyar Cancer Institute for treatments.

Getting back to our case, the whole fortnight were full of indecisiveness. The mould for IMRT was ready. But she was not ready and thus again sought Perumal for the decision. NO it was. We were quite unhappy about it but what an awesome and courageous decision it was !? We thought that one who had no fear saying yes to a surgery which would cost her voice, was so reluctant for radiation, there must be a reason behind it.

We somehow felt that there's a gap as radiation wasn't done. But we took a bit of positivity from Amma and went for natural medicines. Ramesh mama from Bangalore went to Shimoga to get the medicines from the herbal doctor Mr. Narayana Murthy (Narasipura). That's actually a hardship, we could just get the medicines on Sundays and Thursdays and had to wait in long queues, and people wait from the previous evening. He gives barks of herbal trees which has to be boiled along with pepper, jeera, et al and consumed thrice a day.

Unfortunately we had to give that up after one course as it required a fast with no sugar, salt, oil. Amma was barely 35 to 37 kgs after the operation, and this would not help her gain weight.

Next we went for Nature's Chemo care. A fruit called Graviola/Soursop (Lakshamanapazham in Tamil) which falls in the Custard apple family, is said to be a natural cancer killer. That medicine consists of Graviola leaves, stem barks and root powder. Again, this has to be boiled in water, reduced to half and consumed thrice a day with Noni juice. But Amma began showing side effects of actual chemotherapy which included hair loss and heartburn. And we had to stop that too.

All these natural medicines were just for further prevention. The allopathic doctors actually suggested no diet or so after the operation, but still she was okay for all these medicines and their diets and had never compromised it and had no cheat days whatsoever.

And all these days, we were in Perimma's place in Kodambakkam, Chennai. We did not know any pain because of these awesome ladies; one kept all pain to herself and smiled outside and the other took all pain of responsibilities.

Later, they moved back to Coimbatore, and Amma, Appa and Paati (grandmother) had to manage all alone. Paati is aged too and could just manage a part of household activities. Still they managed to do everything at Coimbatore.


At a point I felt like I need to be with them and since Appa was retired, I asked them to move to Chennai with me. They were ready for that too! People who had grown up in Coimbatore would be so reluctant for even staying in Chennai just because of the weather, but still everyone agreed and we moved to Chennai.

Amma kept practising “Belching method” to speak and is now able to converse clearly even in audio calls. From no voice to belching voice, impeccable, I say.

She did not even care to get any external aid for speaking. Such is the self esteem and confidence.

She has almost gained her weight back too. And to everyone's surprise, she even drove on the Interstate roads of the US when they recently visited me!


I want to thank a lot of people for inspiring and being there through those tough times and making them feel not so difficult. Amma and Appa, of course. Manni, Dasarathy, Paati, athais, Geetha and Chandra perimmas, chithys, mamas, Ramesh mama, my dearest friends who gave me all support, my teammates who covered my work too whenever I took off to hospital, my boss Swarna, Prasad, Venkat, who were very supportive whenever I wanted to leave office to go to the Cancer Institute, neighour maamis at Mambalam, ARR (This is Dheepak’s hero – A. R. Rahman) for providing solace at every point of time. And the list goes on….

Pic taken when Amma Appa were in the USA during Halloween, 2017
That smile says, "I've fought worse ones!!"

In conclusion, I’d like to say….
Surround yourself with positive people. Always be in touch with friends and relatives. Help them when they are in need, make them feel peaceful, hug them when they're down. These all would definitely reciprocate and who knows, you too may need it someday!


Here are whom I like to call “Real-Life Heroes” … whether it is Bhanu Akka, her husband Shri. Sampath, her son Dheepak or the numerous people who’ve supported in their time of need.

I wonder why there’s a strange moisture in my eyes as I finish composing this blog post….and I realize – it comes from a mixture of admiration and gratitude for being related to such wonderfully positive people…

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 8: Let Go.....

A friend wrote to me about her mantra for a peaceful life – Have patience, and let go …things will fall into place.

Now this is something we all know in theory. Often, we preach it to others who seem too much caught up in some stress of their own making. And while it is so easy and simple to say this, practicing it is quite difficult.

Now frankly, I haven’t interacted with this friend much about personal stuff, and so, I wasn’t sure which category my friend fell into – the practicing kind or the preaching kind. Besides, rather than me pontificating about this lofty idea, I thought it would be more easy to relate to this advice if there was a real-life example to quote. So, I asked my friend for this and here’s what she sent me…

Festivals were a time when we used to visit our relatives for a happy celebration....they were cordial, loving, warm, and made us feel so comfortable that any festival without visiting them felt incomplete for us.

As time passed by they came up with the idea of selling an ancestral property. Rightfully, we were supposed to be a 50 percent partner in the property. One of the key persons in that family was apprehensive that we would make a rightful claim after the sale or that we would create some hassle in the sale process. Of course we had absolutely no inkling then, of their plans – this information we got much later.

Whatever, this very thought brought in a divide – that family abruptly ended our participation in the various festivities by giving some frivolous reason. The sale was made and when we were informed later, it was quite a shock to us because we had no idea they were even considering this step.

Till today, I thank God for blessing us with good sense. By God’s grace, we didn't get the idea to take a legal recourse. Instead, we patiently witnessed the developments.

Our patience and the determination to stay away from the matters of our relatives gradually settled our minds. We began to look up in life and seek a direction which could bring peace and happiness, as a substitute for the previous joy we found in celebrating festivals with this family.

As it is always said, ‘What you sow is what you reap.’ The efforts of that person to get back to the old days of togetherness with us have not been fruitful because too much water has flown under the bridge. Seeing our attitude, till today, that person feels a regret about his own behavior….

The first thing I noticed in this story was the attitude of my friend’s family in dealing with this situation. They could have stayed miserable, cribbing about how they were cheated or let down.

Instead, they chose to look for a positive way out, and in the process, grew in stature and achieved the elusive peace everyone seeks. Considering the tremendous pressure we face from extended families and society, this cannot have been an easy task. There may have been moments when they would have wondered if they were doing the right thing, moments of weakness when there would have been an urge to give in and wage a legal battle. That they didn’t do it is a testimony to their strength in what they believed to be the right way.

Did you notice how my friend wrote, “Till today, I thank God for blessing us with good sense?” Her concept of ‘good sense’ is so alien to what most other people would say. This is probably one of those cases where the majority need not always be correct. Also, what is 'good sense' is variable depending on what one's priority is.

Letting go of something as concrete (and also as financially significant) as ancestral property is not an easy thing. Yet, my friend’s family made that decision because they valued something beyond this property – their own self-worth, and peace of mind, and the principle of not stooping to the opposite party’s level.

I believe this kind of a letting go can only come when you have accepted, deep within yourself, that ultimately, what is your due will come to you any which way; something that is not meant for you will not be yours no matter how much you struggle to attain it or to hold on to it. 

If only we understood this idea and reminded ourselves of it whenever things don’t go our way….we’d be more at peace with ourselves and with the world.

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 7: An Alternate View to the Last Post

In response to yesterday’s post, a reader wrote back to me in detail. I found that this was an alternate viewpoint especially relevant with today’s kids. Initially, I thought I would re-write what she said; later, I realized it sounds much more authentic in her voice although there are a few small errors here and there – that’s because the message was composed in a hurry on WhatsApp. However, they don't detract from the message, so I've let them be.

I’ve only made a few changes so as to avoid revealing her identity because that’s the way she wanted it. Do bear in mind that the kid in this anecdote is around 6 or 7 years old and the behavior the mother describes is par for the course.

Do read what she had to say….

* XYZ is her brother

She’s right. Not all kids are inclined to listen to parents’ advice. And in today’s times, with our democratic ways of parenting, we aren’t the kind who lay down the law and it’s even more unimaginable that our kids will take it lying down. In that sense, parenting has become an active task where you discuss and explain things to your children rather than passively setting down rules that cannot be crossed without question. 

And yet, I’m not an advocate of only democracy when it comes to parenting. There are times in relation to some critical areas where discussing and explaining may not work and then, in the best interests of your child, you need to lay down the law. Let it never happen that you give in to your kid’s unreasonable demands because you cannot bear the tantrum that follows or because you don’t want to ‘hurt’ your child.

If, over the years, as your kid grows, you have built up a loving, open relationship with your kid, this will be not as devastating an experience for either side.

But what if you try your best and still, your kid shuns you and takes off on the wrong track? That is a possibility. From my experience, observing so many families where bad parenting still produced reasonable kids and good parenting did not always guarantee reasonable kids, I would say it all boils down ultimately to how much Divine Grace you are blessed with.