Think Positive

There are people around whom we feel good and there are others who seem to drain the energy out of us. These two sets of people have certain distinct traits that set them apart from each other. The biggest difference is their approach when things get unpleasant or uncomfortable.

For example, let’s assume that X makes a mistake that leads to a chain of events that make him unhappy. Say he spent days on preparing a report in painstaking detail. On D-Day, the boss takes just a cursory glance at it and at once, points out some errors in paragraph formatting and an image missing a caption and asks X to re-do that part.

There are several ways in which X can respond:

He may start feeling he is a failure because he didn’t get the report perfectly right – this is a type of thinking called as “all or none.”

He may feel hurt or offended because he’s just reacting emotionally without examining whether the boss is right.

He may say, “Why does this always happen to me?” and stow this event in his memory, ready to be dragged out the next time something unpleasant happens. This is called “over-generalizing” – you use one particular instance to start feeling that the same thing is going to repeat.

He may see this incident as proof that the boss doesn’t like him and is always looking for reasons to belittle him. This is called “catastrophizing” – exaggerating the importance of an unpleasant event to make it feel more significant than it actually is.

OR

X can make a note of the errors the boss pointed out and take a re-look to correct them.

He can look at the incident in perspective – it was an error and the boss, being a boss, has to ensure there are no mistakes; so he was justified in pointing it out.

Let’s say the boss has been unduly harsh in pointing out what is a minor mistake. X may choose to realize that it is an overreaction that may have been triggered by something else and therefore, not take it personally to avoid feeling hurt over it.

The first set of responses are self-defeating thoughts that lead X to feel “I’m worthless.” This type of a thinking pattern can be overcome if X asks himself a few questions:

• Is what the boss saying, the truth? What is the proof it’s true? Would other people too agree he is right?
• Am I feeling bad because I think all my effort didn’t get recognized?
• Am I jumping to conclusions because I’m not feeling good about this?
• Is there any other explanation for such a response from my boss?
• How important will this be after a few days?

The trick is to catch yourself in this self-defeating thought pattern and then, work towards re-framing the negative thoughts in a positive way. However much we may want things to go our way, it is quite obvious that other people’s behavior is not in our control; all we can try to change is our own responses to situations to minimize the pain we undergo every time something goes against our desire.

DISHA

There are moments, and there are MOMENTOUS OCCASIONS.

There are journeys, and there are MILESTONES.

There are goals, and there is PURPOSE.

There is change, and there is TRANSFORMATION.

There are some who curse the darkness, and there are others who LIGHT THE LAMP.

It is difficult to believe that there can be a common thread that links software engineers, corporate employees, teachers, lecturers, Ph. D scholars, journalists, NGO workers, social workers, counselors, healthcare professionals and housewives.

Yet, that is precisely what we discovered at DISHA’s train the trainer program on 4^th and 5^th June, 2016.

2 days. 14 hours.

8 trainers. 36 trainees.

A little theory, a lot of practice.

A training model based on the concept of listen and be inspired and also, do and learn. 

The feedback from the trainees about what the training program did for them is proof that

There are planned events, and there are DIVINELY SCRIPTED ones.

When you learn about the greatness of the land you are born in and reflect over where it is now;

When skepticism makes way for a sliver of hope

When the desire takes root to work together to uplift your country and countrymen;

When you determine to make a difference to how your nation shapes up in the future;

That is when a simple training program elevates into an inspirational turning point that motivates the trainees as well as the trainers to be more, give more and do more.

Because…..you realize….

There are countries, and there is BHARAT.

There are NGOs, and there is DISHA.

Of Questions and Answers

About two or three years ago, there was this advertisement for Bournvita that showed Kajol as a mother, struggling to keep up with her kid’s never-ending questions. The implication was that if kids drink Bournvita, it helps to develop their brains, spurring them to ask more questions. That ad ended with Kajol quipping to all watching mothers, ““Thodi mehnat to aapko bhi karni paregi.”

I remember watching that ad with mixed feelings.

First, there was a sense of feeling riled over Bournvita appropriating what is a natural state of mind for most young kids. Many children – yes, even those who don’t consume that health drink – ask questions.

Second, and stronger, was the feeling of envy towards the mother in that ad. I wished my kid would have asked questions about the shape of the stars and moon or why February has only 28 days. It would have indicated perhaps that he was going to be a scientist, studying the earth and the sky and the ocean to contribute to the knowledge base of geography or astronomy or oceanography, which are solid sciences, dealing with stuff that is just black and white, with no shades of grey.

I envied that mother in the ad because those questions, with just “thodi mehnat,” are easy to answer, because there are encyclopedias and the Internet.

What’s really difficult to answer is when your kid asks you questions about why people behave the way they do. That is one GREY zone. Especially when those “people” are the well-meaning ones in the family and friends circle. Not only do you have to give a satisfying reply, you have to also ensure the kid learns to view those people in a nuanced way. How do you teach a child – given to black and white thinking – to learn to accept the grey? How do you make him understand that most people are good, but with some idiosyncrasies that may not go down well with me because I look at things differently from them? How do you teach a child to continue to respect someone who is irritating?

Recently though, I realized that unknown to myself, I may have actually managed to answer at least some of my son’s questions right. I was wondering aloud at the exasperating behavior of someone and my teenager told me, “Amma, all things don’t always have a purpose. Just think that this is one example of an unpleasant part of his personality dominating over the other good qualities he has.”

My first reaction was that of amusement with his philosophizing. A kind of “Tirupati ke laddo va?” or “Meri billi mujhi se miaow” moment. Once that passed, I felt a kind of reassurance that if he’s able to say this to me, it means I did manage to get at least some of the answers right. 

Perhaps its really true that the apple does not fall far from the tree!

The Maker and His Plan

He looked at the next name on the list and turned to look expectantly at the assistant.

“Well, what do we have here?”

“This guy is looking for someone who is educated, willing to have a career but not too ambitious, good-natured and who will fit well into his extended family with whom he has very close relations."

“Ok. Anything else?”

“His parents want someone from a traditional family, homely, respected, grounded in values and working in a profession that’s not too demanding – preferably, a banking or teaching job.”

Armed with this info, He turned to scan the applications lying around. Finally, He settled on one and said to the assistant, “Here – put these two together. This applicant appears to be the closest fit to the specified requirements. Of course, it won’t be a bed of roses always….but still.…..,” He trailed off mid-sentence, appearing lost in thought, prompting the assistant to ask, “Is there something else?”


He replied with an impish smile, “She’s a silent, reserved kind and needs to loosen up and talk and laugh a little more and take herself and the world less seriously. She also needs to learn to open up to new people and new experiences and be more generous. She gives too much importance to being systematic and punctual; she needs to understand to find joy even in chaotic situations created when there’s no systematic plan.”

“And what about him?” asked the assistant.

“Oh, he needs someone who will be as loving and accepting of the entire family as he is. After a few years, he will venture out on a path that no one in his family has tread, and he needs someone to stand solidly by his side. He’s very impulsive and so, he must have someone who will make him slow down a bit when taking important decisions.”

“Most importantly, he doesn’t know it now, but in the future, he is destined to seek Me with greater vigour. Who can be a better partner than someone who is always asking Me for ‘jnana, bhakti and vairagya’? Yes, I will put these two together.”

And thus it came to pass that things fell smoothly in place and this particular joint venture got underway.

What are the chances of a guy from cosmopolitan Bangalore marrying a girl born and brought up in small-town Goa? How likely is it that two people with superficially very different characteristics will go on to learn to help each other grow as they journey through life together?

Marriages are made in heaven, but the maintenance charges must be paid on earth.

Thankfully, by His Grace, and the goodwill of all their family and friends, this particular couple of Mr. Suresh Ranganathan and Mrs. Anusuya Suresh are cheerfully on the job, have created ONE wonderful asset in their 15 years together and are moving ahead, looking forward to learning from each other and growing to the best of their inherent potential.

Happy Rama Navami !

Rama Navami brings fond memories of childhood.

Setting up the photo of Lord Rama flanked by Seeta, Lakshmana and Hanuman.

Adorning it with flowers.

Lighting the lamp.

Placing the naivedya of Kosambri and Paanakam to be

offered to God and later partaken by us.

Singing bhajans with parents and sisters.

Looking into Sudhir Phadake’s Geet Ramayan book and

singing songs highlighting the key events in the Ramayana.

My dad always insisted on singing one particular song – the

one in which Rama consoles Bharatha and convinces him to

rule Ayodhya for the 14 years of the vanavaas.

This song is placed in the situation where Bharata 

reaches Rama in the forest and begs him to go back 

to Ayodhya, lamenting over the gross injustice done to 

Him by Kaikeyi and Dasharatha. Rama, in his answer,

consoles Bharata with these words on the ephemeral 

nature of this world and its happenings.

My translation does no justice to the beauty of the Marathi 

(not Sanskrit) poetry…and although it seems like a fatalistic 

take, the poetry is much more than that..it consoles the 

listener to not lose heart but bear the troubles that are 

beyond his control with a stoic attitude…

दैवजात दुःखें भरतां दोष ना कुणाचा

पराधीन आहे जगतीं पुत्र मानवाचा

दोष ना कुणाचा

The living are born to grief, Bharata. It is no one’s fault.

The mortal, son of man, is bound to fate. No one is to blame

जिवासवें जन्मे मृत्यू, जोड जन्मजात

दिसे भासतें तें सारें विश्व नाशवंत

काय शोक करिसी वेड्या, स्वप्निंच्या फळांचा ?

पराधीन आहे जगतीं पुत्र मानवाचा

दोष ना कुणाचा

By birth we are bound to life and death. This world that we 

see and sense is perishable

O crazy one, why do you grieve for the fruits of this dream 

world?

The mortal, son of man, is bound to fate, no one is to blame

जरामरण यांतुन सुटला कोण प्राणिजात ?

दुःखमुक्त जगला का रे कुणी जीवनांत ?

वर्धमान तें तें चाले मार्ग रे क्षयाचा

पराधीन आहे जगतीं पुत्र मानवाचा

दोष ना कुणाचा

Which living being escaped the cycle of ageing and death?

Did anyone live this life free of sorrow?

Every thing in the present is moving towards a gradual 

annihilation

The mortal, son of man, is bound to fate.

No one is to blame

I didn’t realize it then, but I do now – this song is actually

almost a summary of the philosophical outlook on life that

Sanatana Dharma teaches. Perhaps my dad was particular

about singing this song to draw courage and faith from those

tenets. But whether he intended it or not, in the process, he

ensured that those words sowed the seeds of the same faith

and courage in the innocent minds of his young daughters.


We also learned that there can be great joy in chanting His

Name and surrendering to Him..joy that is so much beyond

that which wealth can provide.

This is the message of Sage Valmiki to Lava and Kusha when 

he sends them to sing the Ramayana in the court of Lord 

Rama.

रघुराजाच्या नगरीं जाउन

गा बाळांनो, श्रीरामायण

Travel to the city of King Raghu,

Sing, lads, the chronicle of Rama.

मुनिजन-पूनित सदनांमधुनी

नराधिपांच्या निवासस्थानी

उपमार्गांतुन, राजपथांतुनि

मुक्त दरवळो, तुमचें गायन

In the houses blessed by sages, on the estates of noble people,

On the byways and highways, may your singing freely 

reverberate.

नच स्वीकारा धना कांचना

नको दान रे, नको दक्षिणा

काय धनाचें मूल्य मुनिजनां ?

अवघ्या आशा श्रीरामार्पण

Do not accept money or gold,

Neither donation nor remuneration.

What is the value of wealth to ascetics?

Offer all desires to Shri Rama!

Of all the things they gave us, indeed, the best gift my

parents gave us 6 daughters is the mindset of living a life 

firmly grounded in devotion to God. Through the way they 

lived – and continue to live – in the spirit of “Simple living, 

high thinking, and prayerful doing” they taught us that we 

must perform our duty in the best possible way and yet, 

surrender ourself to His Will.

And every Rama Navami is an occasion to renew that

unspoken pledge to continue on the path that our parents -

aptly named Rama Iyengar and Seetha Lakshmi - showed us!

Happy Rama Navami !

Commemorating One Year of Anu's Words

“Only 1 person feels Anu writes well”

Had I been Sagarika Ghose, this would have been the headline I’d have used for this blog post.

Fortunately, I’m not her. I have no agenda to further, no TRPs to gain, no individual to bash.

Even more fortunately, my audience is made up of wise people who are here by choice to hear what I have to say without being swayed by sensational headlines.

By the way, what the headline says is not entirely false; but it isn’t the entire truth, either, as you will discover later in this post.

On a relaxed Wednesday afternoon, 11^th March, 2015 to be precise, the first blogpost on Anu's Words went live.

At that time, I had no real sense of what the blog would do to the world. I knew nothing of who made up that world; I had no inkling of how it would respond. The response came in bits and spurts and it was encouraging enough to spur me to continue writing. 

Thinking more about the blog, I realized that I wanted it to serve as a source of positivity to help readers on their life journeys. So the next few posts were along the lines of giving out advice such as How to become resilient and The joy of giving.

Exactly a month after my first blog post, on a whim, I penned my first post that was a spontaneous sharing of a personal experience with a semblance of self-disclosure.

To my vast surprise, it was quite a hit with readers and made me realize that perhaps, some messages get across better when you talk of your experience and let readers draw their own conclusions rather than preaching something to them. 

Some blog posts were an experiment – writing about my learning from a simple day out, hosting a friend’s first piece of writing and giving words to eccentric thoughts. 

And then, again on a whim, I decided to put down my travel experiences in the northern part of our country as a series of blog posts titled Yaatra 2015, in 5 parts, with my nephew Shreeharsha too pitching in with a post on the journey to Haridwar and Rishikesh. Although I never considered myself a travelogue writer, I realized that these posts too touched a chord with readers, generous dollops of philosophy and spirituality notwithstanding.

Over these 25 posts in the last one year, I’ve come to realize that there cannot be one formula to ensure people love your writing. Another big realization is that sometimes, the fact that they like you means they are open to enjoying whatever you write – whether it is about current social situations

or your intensely personal experiences.

As the blog neared its first anniversary, I found myself wanting to know more about my readers’ opinions. Of course, I did have a general idea from the comments some left on the blog itself and others shared with me on Facebook and WhatsApp. But there were specific queries I had and so, I created a questionnaire to get feedback. I sent this to around 60 people who were reading my blog for more than 6 months.

I don’t know the statistical implications, but I was thrilled that about 50% of them responded. I used a Google form for the survey and the results showed up as neat pie charts summarizing the data collected. Maybe there is a way to integrate that with the blog but being tech un-savvy, I had no idea of how to do that. A cursory Google search showed that I would have to enter the data into an Excel sheet and create the pie/other chart myself – an action for which I have no inclination and therefore, no time. 

So, I took the easy way out of using screenshots of the pie charts directly from the survey results which, for all practical purposes, effectively conveys my findings.

Getting back to that headline “Only 1 person feels Anu writes well”…here’s the entire infographic …and you can judge for yourself why I said the headline is neither entirely true nor entirely false. 

However, jokes apart, it is immensely overwhelming and humbling to know that close to half of my readers like my perspective on things and close to a quarter of them find my blog inspiring. Now, I feel like I have to be even more careful about what I say because of the value that people attach to it.

I’ve always had a suspicion that Facebook has so much of an information overload, that the chances of people really noticing you are very slim unless you are a celebrity. My survey kind of corroborates this view with more people saying they find out about new posts on my blog through WhatsApp. 

Of course this, again, is a Sagarika-esque kind of conclusion because I’ve not analyzed if I have more friends on WhatsApp than on Facebook.

About half of my readers appear to visit the blog on the day I publish a new post (which is also the day when I send out alerts) 

This gives me a nice feeling because to me, it sounds like they’re saying, “Hey, you are important to me.” What bigger motivator do I need! 

But I’m making a mental note that I mustn’t get carried away with this conclusion and start bombarding my readers with too many posts  

– because, a whopping 96.8% readers also felt that the current frequency of posts – about one every fortnight – is just right. OK, I got that.

My alerts to new blog posts invariably ask the recipient to read AND share…but it looks like not many are doing the latter. 

Only a quarter of readers share the posts with family and friends. The remaining are sharing occasionally or not at all. Now, this could be because of two reasons – either, they don’t feel like sharing it or they don’t realize they could share it.

Eternal optimist that I am, I’d like to assume it’s the latter factor at play in most cases and therefore, request those people to please share the blog posts because it’s just another way of spreading some positivity to your family, friends and colleagues.  

Anyway, there is no monetary angle involved so, I’m guessing that most people won’t really take offense. At the very worst, they won’t read it and that shouldn’t really matter to you.

But I’m also a realist and this means I must say that if anyone out there feels like not sharing the posts, I’d like to know the specific reason so that if it is something that can be corrected, I’d get to work on it.

In the survey questionnaire, I slipped in what may have seemed like a red herring by asking how enthusiastic the readers would be if I had to write a book. The answers to that have been most illuminating…. and satisfying. 

A quarter of my readers are ready to pre-book a copy and about half of them say they will definitely buy it. Thankfully, no one chose the option of “What makes you think your book will sell?” And I’m going to use that as a sign from the universe that I must write the dream book that has been in the pipeline for the past 3 years.  

When I started blogging, I never knew what my style of writing was called; in fact, I didn’t even think I have a style of writing. Some reader called a certain piece a wonderful example of “reflexive writing” and I had to google the meaning of it. 

Even now, I’m not sure if there is a definite style I have – all I know is that what I write is a reflection of who I am. And that’s good enough for me – and, possibly, for you too, dear readers. And yet, because it is important to grow, I am also taking Ben Yagoda’s advice.

I take this opportunity to thank all of you dear readers – those who participated in the survey, and the several others who are more recent followers of Anu’s Words. The fact that you read and interact with me and the love and encouragement you offer has made blogging one of the greatest joys in my life, leading me on to experiences that I would never have had otherwise. 

Thank you, once again, and I look forward to continuing this relationship through all the years and new blog posts yet to come.

They Don’t Make Them Like This Anymore

I’m lucky to belong to a generation of women who share the following experiences

Our parents gave us access to education that empowered us and encouraged us to be independent. At the same time, they also taught us that “विध्या विनयेन शोभते” (Vidya Vinayena Shobhate) which means knowledge is graced by humility.

Growing up, we had role models in our mothers, grandmothers and aunts. We learned practically what it means to respect elders and take joy in caring for the good of everyone.

The most common refrain that was used to train us into the right mannerisms, attitudes and behaviours was, “What will your future in-laws’ say!” We may have resented it then. But now, we know that by drilling that into us, our parents taught us a vital skill of fitting into the family we got married into.

We went into marriage knowing that it is a union of not just two people but of two families. We also had the unspoken status of being brand ambassadors of our parents’ upbringing. This unique combination gave us the patience to work hard at winning the new family over and forging strong bonds over a period of time.

We learned that there can be joy in the journey of discovering someone whom you knew nothing of before he became your life partner.

Our upbringing was such that we know being a life partner means more about being willing to shoulder responsibilities than asking for your rights.

Whether we are working outside the house or not, our husbands know we are capable of managing things without their active involvement. This means we sometimes end up being taken for granted. But thanks to the way we’ve been brought up, we are strong enough to cope with that, and never lose sight of our ultimate goal – a bright future for the entire family.

If you are a strong woman like this, kudos!

If you are a guy who has a woman like this in your life, treasure her every day ....they don’t make them like this anymore!