NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 21: Can we learn to be kinder???

A few days ago, I got this text from someone who’s been an avid reader of my blogs. She’s put across such an insightful message that is sure to make all of us think about whether we can be kinder than what we are in situations which we breeze through without a second thought…

What she’s written and called “a rough text to express my feelings” is so perfect in itself that I have posted it as such, with minimal changes…

I thought of something, when I read your coffee post...

There are cab drivers, security guards and those people who are cleaning washrooms and restrooms in my office.

My office has three towers. Tower A, B and C.

We have security barriers at Entry gate , inside Tower C and at Exit gate too.

Entry gate has many guards while Exit has only two security barriers and Tower C has four.

I work in night shift and there are nearly 8000 employees in our organization.

My office is on the 5th floor of Tower C. Nearly 90 to 95 % of the crowd doesn't have the access card.

So, the security has to provide the access for the employees to enter the premises. I thank the security guard every time he helps me with his access card.

My cab mates used to tell me,”The company is paying that person for this job and why are you so concerned about it and thanking him everytime you cross the barrier?!”

I felt very bad for their mindset. He is paid for his job. I know it but this person helps me to enter the premises and I feel like thanking him.

I see a smile for at least a second in his face when I say it and he smiles back. To the least, I at least make his muscles feel relaxed for a second This security boy is Rude by the way

This bhaiyya at Tower C tirelessly helps people to get into the lift area... I thank him and he says, “Welcome Mam”.... Everytime... This makes me happy


Exit has only 2 barriers.

He has to help all those 8000 people to reach their cab at 3.30 am. He looks so tired every time and yet, he replies a sleepy, “Thank you” to me when I reach my cab...

Those ladies at the restroom enquire, “What’s special?” whenever I drape a saree, and cheer me up whenever I look dull because I talk to them whenever I meet them in the restroom.

They used to vent out their ire about work issues and the way they get treated by few other employees.

I used to tell them like, “Indha kaadhula vaangina thaney, Akka, innoru kaadhula vittudanum? Indha kaadhula vaangavey vaangadheenga” (Only if you take things in with one ear, you have to let it go out from the other. Why not stop taking it in itself?)

Not listening to others is bad but when someone blames you every single time for something that isn’t your fault, you should ignore it for your own inner peace, I guess.

Many people ill treat these Akkas just because of their job nature.

What if a person who is in a higher position walks right away and shouts in public to a person who is the lowest in the hierarchy?

We shout out for our rights.


Why isn't it given for these people who work to help us throughout our day!

I doubt if such people, who look down on the support staff, are really educated... They wear all those nice dress and look pretty with the make up 🏻

I guess thanking drivers, security guards, maids doesn't affect our dignity in anyway and I teach the kids to do so.

I thought of telling this when I saw your coffee post…..



The person who sent me this is someone who has featured in one of the posts this month….can you take a guess as to who it may be???? 

Its the same girl who wrote this post....

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 20: The power of "Maybe"...

I’d like you to take a few minutes to watch this video. After you’ve finished, please read on ahead.

Video courtesy: The Sustainable Human 

Like the farmer, we too face many such incidents in our lives – and people around us will exclaim about how lucky or how unfortunate those are. The only difference between us and the farmer in this video is that unlike him, we too get carried away like the people around us and as a result, keep floundering between the highs and lows of joys and sorrows.

If only like that wise farmer, we learn to say “Maybe,” and view every event with an open mind, maybe our struggles would be less difficult.

If we go one step further and learn to accept that everything happens as per Divine will, our heartaches would be fewer.

Caught up as we are in the web of “Sveccha” (Sva + iccha = own wish), we want to have everything happen as per our will. But if we wish to progress to a state of mental equanimity, we must be willing to give up this stubbornness in favour of listening to someone else, and giving in to their way which is called “Pareccha” (Para + iccha = other’s wish). Doing this over a period of time will allow the mind to mellow, lose the sense of attachment to the action, and take us further to the level of “Ishwareccha” (Ishwar + iccha = God’s wish).

When we learn this kind of a faithful acceptance, like the farmer, we will say not just “Maybe” but even “God’s will be done.”

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 19: Giving of a different kind....

The door bell rings. My son opens the door and I can hear him speaking to someone. I’m in the kitchen, rustling up an evening snack. Within a minute, he calls out, saying someone wants to talk to me. I switch off the gas stove and walk out to see a smiling young man standing in the doorway. He tells us his name, says he’s part of a campaign that has tied up with the Swacch Bharat Abhiyaan and asks if I have time to listen to what he has to say. 

I invite him in, get him seated, and ask him to go ahead.

He pulls out a booklet of a particular NGO and tells me about how they are working to build homes for the poor, in rural and suburban areas, in order to provide them with sanitation. He says this is an attempt to ensure the hygiene and safety, especially for women.

I listen to him as I flip through the booklet, and casually ask him if this is an Indian organization or a foreign one. He says, “Indian” right as I turn to a page where there’s a picture of an American politician who started this cause. He immediately modifies his answer to say how that guy started it, but now it’s got offices all over the world and shows me the Indian film celebrities who are supporting this cause.

I’m a little wary of donating to these NGOs that have a foreign hand. Because after researching this topic, I know that quite a few of them are in the business of religious conversions of poverty-stricken, gullible Hindus. I haven’t yet come across the name of this particular NGO and so, I decide that I want to look into its activities a little more in detail before I make a donation.

And so, I use the time-worn excuse that most Indian women do – I say I must ask my husband about this and can’t decide on my own. He’s currently busy with other things, and so, I’ll be able to say a yes or no only after a few days.

The guy has been trained well, I can see…because he immediately tells me, “Madam, I really appreciate that you wish to take a joint decision with your husband – it shows you have a good relationship. But there are so many other housewives I’ve already met and seeing what a good cause this is, they have independently contributed although their husband wasn’t there. Do consider donating now itself.”

Many years ago, I was a volunteer with a spiritual organization and as part of service or seva, we used to solicit donations from corporates, businesses and the general public. So, I know for sure the limits of how much money housewives would be willing to contribute without their husband’s involvement – and Rs. 2400/- (which is the minimum amount the guy’s brochure lists) is definitely far beyond those limits....at least for most middle-class Indian families who're likely to donate.

Indeed, it is that past experience of mine that makes me give a patient listening to anyone who knocks at my door – except at times when I’m in a real hurry. I know how it feels to be turned away with a door banged in your face, a smirk, a sarcastic comment, an insult, or just pure indifference. And if it is indeed a genuine cause, I do end up contributing whatever small amount I can at that point of time. Because I am a firm believer in the concept of what the poet-musician-saint Purandaradasa sang in his famous krithi – 

“Kereya neeranu keregey challi, varava padedava rante kaaneero, Hariya karunadolaada bhaagyava Hari samarpaney maadi badukiro.”

“Pouring the water from the lake, back into the lake, be seen as blessed persons; the good fortune you’ve received by Hari’s grace, live your life by offering it back to Him.”

Coming back to this volunteer, when he insists I consider donating right now, I tell him about my reservations. About how I want to find out more about this organization he represents, because I do not want to end up indirectly contributing to convert one of my fellow-Hindus into Christianity.

His face falls. But he graciously seems to understand what I’m saying and gives me the website details where I can get more information. I ask if there’s an option for an online transfer of funds and first, he says yes. A little later though, he tells me that even if I pay online, I need to fill in the details of that into the form he has. I don’t say anything to him, just nod, but I have a feeling that maybe he needs to show his superior that he has been instrumental in getting this donation, maybe they have targets to meet and it counts for a rating of his performance as a volunteer.

So, I ask him to come next week and say that by then, we will have made our decision. To be very frank, “we” have mutual trust in each other's judgment when it comes to making such contributions. We may differ over some things, but those differences do not spill over into this area.

So, I will study this organization and its work, ask a few friends who are in the NGO field, and then, if all is well, make my contribution. Because the world needs people who are comfortably placed to reach out a helping hand to those who’re not so fortunate. 

As Swami Vivekananda so wonderfully conveyed, 

“Do not stand on a high pedestal and take five cents in your hand and say, ‘Here, my poor man’; but be grateful that the poor man is there, so that by making a gift to him you are able to help yourself. It is not the receiver that is blessed, but it is the giver. Be thankful that you are allowed to exercise your power of benevolence and mercy in the world, and thus become pure and perfect.”

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 18: Give freely of your appreciation

A friend from Poona, Mrs. Mythily, wrote to me in response to my query of what has made the biggest difference to her life. She says:

“Appreciation is one thing we all like and look forward to. I, for some reason was very stingy in appreciating. Basically a very positive person, it took me a lot of years to realise this flaw in me. Once I realized, I started going out of my way to thank and appreciate people for even little things they had done, not necessarily for me, but for a general cause. I started this with persons known to me. Then it was easy to appreciate even strangers. For example, the cab driver who did not breach the red signal in spite of the loud honking. The municipal sweeper who braved the biting cold to keep our roads clean.

It not only made the receiver happy, but I too got immense joy and felt nice . So much so that now, I seek out a chance to laud. This habit helps me to see the postive in people around me and also has earned me a lot of friends. I don't know if this has made the biggest difference in my life but it has certainly made a BIG difference.”

What a lovely viewpoint, don’t you think?

If only we can momentarily even step out of the cocoon we’ve created around ourselves – my family, my child, my job, my goals, my dreams, my problems– and take a look at others around with new eyes, how much is there to learn and feel happy about

We all know how good it feels to receive appreciation. And yet, we’re very kanjoos (stingy) when it comes to giving it out. Like Mrs. Mythily pointed out, it may not be that we’re deliberately avoiding it; maybe the thought never strikes us.



But once it comes to our attention, we must try to adopt this in our lives. Along with all the other results that Mrs. Mythily has talked about, I’m sure that over time, it will completely change our outlook on things. Even in situations when there seems to be only gloom and doom, we will begin to look for the positive.

And, as the “Law of Attraction” says, the more you seek of something, the greater is the force with which you attract it into your life. If you look for things to crib about, you’ll have more of those; if you look for things to feel happy about or to praise, you’ll find more of these.

This attitude of appreciating people can work wonders in all your relationships too. Not only because your praise makes the other person happy, but also because focusing on praise-worthy things in someone helps you see them in a new light - a more positive one.

Right from when he was old enough to speak, I taught my son to say, “Thank you” to the auto driver when we exited the autorickshaw. At first, I had to keep reminding him every time. Later, it became an unconscious habit that continues to this day. And I always notice that even the most gloomy or grumpy auto drivers never fail to smile back when he says this. I like to think that by this small expression of gratitude, we’re creating one tiny bright spot in someone’s day.

I’d like to end this post by appreciating Mrs. Mythily for sharing her insights with us. And to think that this wonderful person is someone I met by serendipity during a chance encounter that lasted less than 10 hours! If you’d like to read about that encounter, do read this post of February 2016.


The more I notice the way my life is panning out, the more I come to realize that throughout my life, I’ve come into contact with several people who have enriched my life directly and indirectly. It convinces me that nothing is a chance encounter….it’s all Divine will to make me a better person….maybe someday I should write a post on this!!

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 17: Learning from Hard Knocks

When I asked THE question before beginning this series of blog posts for November, I received replies that covered a very broad spectrum. Of all these, there were a few that surprised me. One that came from my old student Arfa, I’ve already shared in the post about forgiveness. There was another one in this same category, which said, 

“What I have understood is that we waste our time in searching for happiness. I feel that happiness is within ourselves and we don’t have to search anywhere. Success is just a part of happiness. Overall, I can say that as per my little experience, higher expectation is the key to unhappiness or a peace-less life. If we expect higher, and then, we fail to reach that level, we get depressed in such a way that we feel it difficult to get back to normal life. So, my approach is this – do what you want to do with full heart and then, whatever ups down come, accept it equally and continue to work without accepting failure. Instead of trying to impress others, we must live for ourselves.”


I’d like you to try and guess how old a person needs to be to reach these realizations. Quite probable you said 40 or 50 – because that’s the time when generally, we graduate from the School of Hard Knocks of Life and finally begin realizing these truths.

What if I told you that these are the words of yet another ex-student of mine called Ramya K.? Someone who’s in her 20’s? Would you be just as surprised as me to realize that not all youth conform to the stereotype we have of them as people who don’t realize the meaning of what’s important in life?

For a little while, after reading this message from her, I felt a little sad. To think that people are enrolling in the School of Hard Knocks of Life so early nowadays. If you remember how much heartbreak you have endured to learn your own lessons, you will understand what I mean. And yet, that sad feeling soon passed. Because I was able to see that in learning those lessons, she had proved herself to be bigger than those hard knocks. That’s when I felt proud of Ramya. And happy. Much happier than I had felt at her scoring high marks in college.

Often, we dole out advice, give suggestions, monitor what is happening and indulge in some or the other form of helicopter parenting (which, in case you haven’t heard the term, means to hover anxiously around your children – although it can be anyone else too, not necessarily only children). We want to save the people we love, from difficulties that they will face – so we try to warn them and keep them away from tough situations. But that's as futile as the efforts of Siddhartha Gautama's father....

One simple fact we fail to accept is that some things don’t register by vicarious learning. Each one has to fall himself or herself and learn how to get up and brush off the dust and walk again. Some people will ponder over the meaning of it all the very first time, and quickly learn how not to stumble. Others will need a few more falls before they learn. A few rare souls may never learn at all. 

In my own life, I've noticed that I keep stumbling in some areas until I've thoroughly learned all the lessons that need learning. Once I finish learning, it's as if all those stumbling blocks have just disappeared.

As onlookers to others' stumbling, we must be able to adopt that don’t-expect-too-much concept that Ramya spoke about. We must be able to be there, ready to help, if called upon, without waiting to say, “See? I told you…”. We must be able to deal with not being called upon to help, too. Other than this, perhaps the only other thing we can do is pray – for the loved one, and for ourselves, too….

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 16: Of Bears and Kings.....and Juliet, too!

You must have seen these small quizzes that circulate on WhatsApp. They have some emoticons arranged in a sequence to mean a word that you should decipher. Each set is made of particular items – movie names, movie song’s first sentence, places, personalities, sweet dishes, and other foods.

Today, one such quiz about food items was shared in a friends group. Everyone took turns guessing at the dishes. 

Take a look at No. 2. It has a picture of a bear and a king’s crown. A friend said it was “bhalushah or something like that.” Another person on the group pointed out that it’s actually called ‘Balushahi.’ Then it struck me….this was that brown, thick, succulent sweet they serve as “Baadushah” in marriages and other functions in Bangalore!

I couldn’t help exclaiming on the group chat, “Oh God! These Tamil and Kannada people call it Baadushah!!”

The lady who had pointed out the correct name laughed.

But within the next minute, I had an epiphany (sudden revelation) and was shocked at my choice of words. I, who think of myself as being very inclusive and non-discriminating and unbiased !! The way I said ‘these Tamil and Kannada people’ as if I was different from them….and to someone else, I may have sounded like I have some superiority complex too and am looking down on Tamilians and Kannadigaas…

Of course, when I thought a little more about it, I realized the reason why my words came out like that. Being born in Goa and only later transplanted to Bangalore, I had tasted this sweet only here, and heard this word “Baadushah” only from the Kannadigaas and Tamilians here. And because I had never seen or heard of this sweet in Goa, I only knew of this version.

I decided to write a blog on this today – to say that how, without our knowledge, and without intending to, we err in ways that escape our notice. And when this happens often, and we don’t bother to correct it, it leads to unhealthy stereotyping and prejudice and can set off conflicts based on some sort of group identity…

A little while later, indeed, there was a comment from another person on the group, who’s a Bangalorean, in response to my exclamation. She said, “Yes we do. There are variations in pronunciation across the country for various names. I don’t see the problem.”

Immediately, I clarified that I had just found it funny, the way the name had got corrupted, and didn’t intend to offend anyone. To her credit, she wasn’t offended and went on to say her mother tongue is Telugu, but she’s born and bred in Bangalore!

But during this conversation, what took the cake was a comment by another pucca South Indian. She said this was the first time she came across Balushahi and went on to say that somehow, she couldn’t bear to associate her “Badshah” with a bear!! What’s in a name, after all, she opined.

She’s right – the way we respond to something is dependent on so many factors and it’s name is just one of those. Like Shakespeare’s Juliet argued, if “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” why can’t a Balushahi by any other name taste just as sweet????

NaBloPoMo 2017: Day 15: Lessons from Grass

Once, a VIP, was heading to an educational institution to deliver a talk. As per protocol, he was provided security cover. 

As the journey began, through the windshield of his car, this VIP noticed one of the members of the security detail was standing in the moving gypsy just in front, scanning all directions. The VIP was pained and kept requesting that the officer be asked to sit down; his request was rebuffed in the name of security concerns. 

Finally, after a long drive lasting a few hours, when they reached the destination, the VIP asked to speak to that ‘standing’ security officer. This person was apprehensive, wondering what wrong he had done to be so summoned. To his surprise, the VIP shook hands with him, thanked him, asked if he was tired and wanted something to eat, and apologized, saying, “I’m sorry you had to stand so long because of me.” 

Can you guess the identity of this VIP?

Full marks if you said Dr. A. P. J. Abdul Kalam.

Just minutes before he breathed his last, delivering a lecture on “Creating a Liveable Planet,” Dr. Kalam made time to thank the security officer who was part of the convoy that journeyed to IIM, Shillong.

We couldn’t learn of the ideas of Dr. Kalam on the topic. But frankly, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that this hero’s entire life has been a lesson on that topic. And, as we tell students during the DISHA workshops, of all his admirable qualities, the one that stands out the strongest, as in the example above, is HUMILITY.

I remembered this yet again when Kavitha Athreya, one of the DISHA coordinators wrote to me recently saying that at different points in time, she has tried to follow the principles of humility. Very humbly, she says, “I do not claim to be successful. But often, it boils down to the point that no matter what people say to you, you get back to them, with respect.”

Kavitha also sent me a beautiful video that explains this concept with an apt example.

Do watch this video. Can we all try to practise this?